Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Vodka?
Forever.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
