did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
