Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize