i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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