I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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