What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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