I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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