Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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