I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
