I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
