the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Randomize