what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
