You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
