Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
