It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
