I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
