i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
