Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
