people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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