Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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