Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
