Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
