Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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