ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
