things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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