It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
