I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
