Your tits are I can't wait for
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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