Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
