i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
