I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
