I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
