Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
