masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just invented taco cereal.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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