I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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