I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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