Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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