I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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