Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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