Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
