I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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