Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
