Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
