so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
