I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
