You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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