I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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