i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
