Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
where are my eyebrows?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
