What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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