I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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