dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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