The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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