whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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