New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You're like the curious george of whores
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
