You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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