i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
