I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
