I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
