I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
